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Burnz

I am just Joking

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Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to

the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't

believe me I'll show you."

He called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Ah Beng, here is a $10

note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes".

To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and rushed off to

the Showroom.

The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was

stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will

show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and

check to see if I'm at home."

To which Ali said, "Yes Sir! Right away,Sir!" and ran home.

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I

cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh,you

know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to

the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today

is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he

asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone

what,he can just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"

******************************************************

CAR

Beng and Seng excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to

remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake,Beng

asked,'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it.'

'No, that won't work' answered Seng. 'People will think we're trying to

break in.'

Then Beng suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the

rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?'

'No,' said Seng. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use a coat

hanger.'

The kan cheong Beng shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast.It's

starting to rain and the sunroof is open!'

********************************************************

PIZZA

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if she should cut it in

six or twelve pieces. Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

*******************************************************

DEAD BIRD

"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Ah Beng looked skyward and said "Where, Where got?"

******************************************************

NOT MY BROTHER!

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no

longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies

are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's

name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!

Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the

doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

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> This is so funny..................and most are so true........

> Funny truths about life in small small Singapore....

>

> 1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on

>

> 2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep

>

> 3. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland Chinese

>

> 4. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox

>

> 5. Spore Chinese use different languages other then Chinese to

> communicate.

>

> 6. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain

>

> 7. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car,

> Credit Card, CPF but no Cash and is liable to lots of loans

>

> 8. There are quite a few high-tech barbaric singaporeans -they know

> how to use state-of-the art equipment, 3g mobile phone and powerful

> computers but they dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet

>

> 9. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy

> killing stray cats

>

> 10. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)

>

> 11. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke

>

> 12. Private Cars - Cheaper and Cheaper to buy, harder and harder to

> maintain

>

> 13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus,

> Second section is for Carrying Ghost

>

> 14. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More

Stress Reliever # 1

>

>

>

> Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag

> to the office. Why?

>

> Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how

> impossible, I look at your

>

> picture and the problem disappears.

>

> Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am

> for you?

>

> Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to

> myself, "What other problem

>

> can there be greater than this one?"

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 2

>

>

>

> Girl: When we get married, I want to share all

> your worries, troubles

>

> and lighten your burden.

>

> Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't

> have any worries or

>

> troubles.

>

> Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 3

>

>

> Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this

> morning, he told me to

>

> give up my seat to a lady.

>

> Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

>

> Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 4

>

>

> Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming

> home at this time of the

>

> night?"

>

> Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my

> dear."

>

> Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"

>

> Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 5

>

>

> A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you

> have married me if my

>

> father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the

> woman replied sweetly,

>

> "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A

> FORTUNE"

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 6

>

>

> Father to son after exam: "let me see your

> report card."

>

> Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to

> scare his parents."

>

>

>

___________________________________________________________________

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 7

>

>

> "How was your blind date?" a college student

> asked her roommate.

>

> "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up

> in his 1932 Rolls

>

> Royce." Wow! That's a very expensive car. What

> 's so bad about that?"

>

> "He was the original owner."

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 8

>

>

> A teacher asked her class for sentences using

> the word "beans"... "My

>

> father grows beans," said one student. "My

> father cooks beans," said

>

> another. Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are

> all human beans."

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 9

>

>

> Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe

> your success as a

>

> millionaire?"

>

> Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

>

> Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What

> were you before you

>

> married her?"

>

> Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 10

>

>

> Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be

> yours forever. The guy

>

> replies: Thanks for the warning.

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 11

>

>

> A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife

> after sex?" He replied:

>

>

>

> "Depends, if I can find a phone."

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 12

>

>

> Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm

> the first man you are

>

> sleeping with?" Wife replied: "Of course honey,

> I stayed awake with all

>

> the others!"

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

>

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 13

>

>

> "Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON

> stamps in the U.S.?"

>

> Answer: "Because people started licking the

> wrong side."

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 14

>

>

> A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most

> in me my pretty face or

>

> my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe

> and replied: "I like

>

> your sense of humour."

>

>

>

____________________________________________________________________

>

>

> Stress Reliever # 16

>

>

> Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly

> weak and exhausted! Are

>

> you having your meals three times a day as I

> have advised?"

>

> Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three

> males a day."

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she ! cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying? " "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with B! rad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

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Just a little somethin to chase away the Monday Blues...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity and applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Social Drinking 3.8, Karaok 2.1 and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 or replace it with Bachelor 1.0 but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User.....

___________________ __________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend program to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 or reinstate it with Bachelor 1.0 without causing permanent damages. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Wife is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance if you selected the wrong version. You should consider very carefully when making such selection. Never try any Wife program unless you are absolute sure that is what you want or you may get stuck with it.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5! and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

There are different versions of Wife program, such as Wife 1.8 comes with only one support program Money 1.0 which could evolved into numerous useful support programs but Wife 1.1 is hard to come by and is usually extremely delicate to handle. However, whichever version of Wife you installed, you will not allow uninstalling or removing without causing serious damages.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Ref:  Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

..........................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Thanks and Best Regards,

Tech Support!

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This poem was nominated by UN as the best poem of 2006, written by an

African kid.

When I born, I black

When I grow up, I black

When I go in Sun, I black

When I scared, I black

When I sick, I black

And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow

When you born, you pink

When you grow up, you white

When you go in sun, you red

When you cold, you blue

When you scared, you yellow

When you sick, you green

And when you die, you gray

And you calling me coloured?

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A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her

for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If

I give you this money, will you buy a pair of shoes instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop buying new shoes years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need

to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair

done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.

"Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with

you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what

a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair

appointments, and buying new shoes."

That was a great one. Had to love the woman's love for shopping and make up.

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1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....

Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'

Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '

Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'

Husband: 'How does that help?'

Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

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