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I am just Joking

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Hey, some lame joke to keep everyone alive on a deadful Monday morning. cheers :)

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came

out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked

inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the

mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge

the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to

the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by

his actions, the man asked him,"Is something wrong?"

To which the ferocious Singh replied, " There certainly is! My stupid

computer keeps telling me I have mail!"


One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked

him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me

Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally

annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and

asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and

answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is

looking for you and you are sitting over here!"


A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint

Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in

education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly

soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"

2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today andTomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even

though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a


The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,


Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for

five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and

throws them out of the window.

He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant,

socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here,

Answer the following questions in brief' .."


Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.

So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came

here for blood test"

Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "

First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"

Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and

asked other, "Why are you crying?"

I am here for a urine test.

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haha.. this is funny, lame but still funny


Hung Cheong calls the office and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I vely vely sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs ache, I no come work."

The manager says, "You know something, Cheong, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. Why won't you try that?"

Two hours later Hung Cheong calls again. "I do what you say and I feel vely good. I come work vely quick. And Boss,

You house vely nice."

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for all the salesman or woman here..

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room, opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

" Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

The lady smiled and said, "We just moved in and there's no electricity in the house!"

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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they Just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you Get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than Electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,mine's still alive."


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old joke, but still very funny

>Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

>After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who

>remained talked about their kids.


>The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a

>successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and

>Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and

>now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his

>best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."


>The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and

>joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to

>become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he


>the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a

>brand new jet for his birthday.


>The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best

>universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction

>company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very

>nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square

>foot mansion."


>The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend

>returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations



>One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the

>successes of our sons. What about your son?"


>The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a

>stripper at a nightclub."


>The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth

>man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he

>hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he

>received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top

>of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."

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Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby,of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4


I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.


Thank you,


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5



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Here are some jokes for sharing ... :)

Ah Beng in the Lift


Once, Ah Beng, Ah Lian and Ah Huay went for dinner at the Compass Rose

at the top of

the Westin Stamford.

After dinner, they went to the lift, scanned the buttons and couldn't

find the button

for the first floor.

Ah Huay suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian decided to press the

lift button "G".

They found themselves on the first ground floor, and Ah Beng

remarked,"Wah, you so

smart, ah. How did you know this was ground floor?"

Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah so simple yo u also dunno! 'G', mah .. "G"

Stand for gero




During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng And Ah

Beng were

caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the

Japanese were

afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and

escape in the


The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was

lined up and the

Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah

Meng shouted,

"Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng

made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready.

The captain

commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted."Flood! Flood!!"

Again, the

Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. It's important to

get the timing


Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept

saying to himself.

The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah

Beng thought to himself . "Aim..." "Okay," thought Ah Beng, and

shouted, " FIRE!!!

"FIRE!!! "

Ah Beng All Wet


Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay.

What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that

he would swim

across the Singapore River.

He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the

halfway mark, he

started to panic and started to shout for help.

Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet

no attempt was

made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing

what seemed like a

desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this

hero couldn't

swim !

Luckily, a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by, and the

operator saw the

incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered.

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the


"Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations


The hero looked angry and shouted *%#@! Siang too Lum Pei loh chui?"

(Who pushed me

into the water?")

Ah Beng Fruity Fun


Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to name three fruits whose

names begin with


Ah Beng immediately said, "Apple... Apricot..." then he was stumped.

After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang Mor Tan!"

Ah Beng Gourmet Grades


Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre.

Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health

pasted at each

stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' 'D' stand for what ah?"

Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno!"

"'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for buay

sai' (cannot)

and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made inJapan!"The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

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This is for the ladies - be careful what you say in public:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls"


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

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A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

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Cup Holder Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty


How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did

you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you

get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a

promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't

stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive

as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"

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One fine day, an old lady was driving her Volvo S80 into a shopping open space carpark.

Spotted an open space lot, she tried to reverse into the lot.

A Toyota Corrolla driven by a youn man zoomed into the lot.

The old lady winded down her window and shouted "hey..young man, how could you do this !!!"

The young man ignored her. Parked his car, got out and locked his car and walked passed infront of the old lady. Turned towards her direction and said " I am young and fast".

With that comment, he walked away with his head held up high and whistle along......

The next moment, there was a loud sound...... "bang !!!"

The young man turned back his head to take a look.

"Gosh !"..."Old My God !!!" " No......."

He ran up to the old lady and said "hey...how could you do that !!!"

The old lady calmly replied with a smile on her face....

"I am old but rich !"

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Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a*


*One of them kept complaining of family problems.*

*Finally the other man*

*said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to *

*my situation. *

*A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up*

*daughter. We got married*

*and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father*

*married my*

*step-daughter. That made my step daughter my*

*step-mother. And my father *

*became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law*

*of her*

*father-in-law. *

*Much later the daughter of my wife, my*

*step-mother, had a*

*son. This boy was my half brother because he was my*

*father's son. But he *

*was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him*

*my wife's*

*grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half*


*This was* *nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half*

*sister of my son, my *

*step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my*

*father the*

*brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my*

*father's wife.*

* I am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own*

*child's aunt, my son is *

*my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND*

*FATHER!!!!!!!!!! *

*And you think* * * *you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!*

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The Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...

Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1 You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


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Smart man + smart woman = romance

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = baby


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand

her at all.


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more

willing to die.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the

same thing to them at funerals.

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity and applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Social Drinking 3.8, Karaok 2.1 and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 or replace it with Bachelor 1.0 but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!


Troubled User.....

___________________ __________________


Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend program to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 or reinstate it with Bachelor 1.0 without causing permanent damages. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Wife is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance if you selected the wrong version. You should consider very carefully when making such selection. Never try any Wife program unless you are absolute sure that is what you want or you may get stuck with it.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5! and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

There are different versions of Wife program, such as Wife 1.8 comes with only one support program Money 1.0 which could evolved into numerous useful support programs but Wife 1.1 is hard to come by and is usually extremely delicate to handle. However, whichever version of Wife you installed, you will not allow uninstalling or removing without causing serious damages.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

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haha....good one...

but of course, once the user


there is no way a ROLLBACK can be executed

and be very careful about spawning any CHILD processes :)

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Best Out-of-Office reply

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail

to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the

office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at


3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me

until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail

will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for

the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is

unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try

sending again.

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in

approximately 13 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...

When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

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haha, thanks Burnz, that was great stuff. eh...any more to make me roll off the chair??

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pilot versus priest...



> A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is

> a

> guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.


> Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know

> whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"


> The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from

> Dallas."


> Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this

> silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."


> The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.


> Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father

> Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."


> Saint Peter consults his list.


> He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter

> the

> Kingdom."


> "Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a

> silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this

> be?"


> "Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter,


> "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

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Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."


Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."


Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."


Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The

other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


Husband & Wife - Why?

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."


Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"


Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her

husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"


Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."



& Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.


Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful?

My wife doesn't know about it yet.


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A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her

for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If

I give you this money, will you buy a pair of shoes instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop buying new shoes years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need

to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair

done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.

"Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with

you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what

a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair

appointments, and buying new shoes."

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