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Burnz

I am just Joking

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Subject: Q and A (Good one!)

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

(Having baby or go thru'menopause)

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?

A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!

A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?

A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Funy hah..? <_<

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors,

breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round

the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she

asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and

asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she

replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles

black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward

and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have

a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, pulls down his

underwear and with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to

me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test

results back?"

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A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to

the counter and orders a drink. After a while, he says loudly to the girl

behind the bar: - "Hey, do you want to hear a really good joke about

blondes?" Silence falls in the bar and in a deep, gravely voice the

lesbian to his left says :- "Before you tell your joke, there's

something you should know...The girl behind the bar is blonde, the

girl by the door is blonde and I'm a 6 foot, 16 stone blonde with a

black belt in karate. The girl to my left is blonde and she lifts weights.

The girl to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Think

about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell your joke?" - "Not if

I'll have to explain it five times..."

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A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer

and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis."

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

***Password Rejected -- Not Long Enough***

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to

process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came

addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to

see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday

someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had

until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited

two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to

turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

-----------------------------

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other

workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few

dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they

put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the

workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able

to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the

old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was

opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your

gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving

bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,

Edna

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Q1) Ah Mei's dad has 7 wives. The 5th and 7th are Africans. Guess Chinese idiom.

A1) Wu Qi Ma Hei

Q2) There's a party in the forest. Who didn't get to eat the cake!?!

A2) GRASS because Cao Mei Dan Gao

Q3) Ah bao was murdered! However, the police quickly found the killer. Who was it?

A3) Ah Dou because Dou Sha Bao

Q4) Xiao Bai and Da Bai are bros. As Xiao Bai grows older, he looks more and more like his bro. Guess a Chinese idiom.

A4) Zhen Xiang Da Bai

Q5) Osama, Bush , Blair and Saddam play mahjong. Who will win first ??

A5) Saddam Hussein because Saddam Hu Xian

Q6) What's the panda's 2 biggest wishes?

A6) i. Get rid of dark eyes ring

ii.Taking colour photo

Q7) Who will pick up the dumpling (ba zhang) on the floor ?

A7) Xiang Long because Xiang Long Shi Ba Zhang

Q8) There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

A8) The one without the rubber

Q9) Xiao Ming drinks milk to grow up. What does Da Ming drink?

A9) Alcohol because Jiu Yang Da Ming

Q10) Which brand of shampoo is the wealthiest?

A10) "Lux" Super Rich

Q11) What did Batman say when he fell down?

A11) Painful Sia... (Bian fu sia)

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letter from husband to wife .

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are

my

sweetheart.

Your husband

................................................................................

.........................................

His wife replied, after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milkman agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses

instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him

some

extras.

5. Other expenses: 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me. I have remaining 35 kisses and I hope I can

complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next

coming months? Please advise !!!

Your Sweetheart

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Two tomatoes are running a marathon.

One starts to get tired and lags behind.

The other looks back and yells:

"KETCHUP!"

Hmm.... this sounds like a variation of a joke from the movie Pulp Fiction.

In a scene in the movie, Ulma Thurman told John Travolta that she played a character in a tv-series that would tell a joke at the end of every episode. And the joke she told had the same tag line: "Ketchup".

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Two tomatoes are running a marathon.

One starts to get tired and lags behind.

The other looks back and yells:

"KETCHUP!"

Hmm.... this sounds like a variation of a joke from the movie Pulp Fiction.

In a scene in the movie, Ulma Thurman told John Travolta that she played a character in a tv-series that would tell a joke at the end of every episode. And the joke she told had the same tag line: "Ketchup".

Ha ha ha... yeah yeah!!! I remember that scene... I love that movie Pulp Fiction... was good!!! B)

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A Singaporean's Life

It's never easy being a S'porean. Just take a look at the below passage, it's humorous though but indeed it's the reality !!!

I am Ong Ah Bee living in Kampong Chai Chee

Life used to be simple and HAPPY

I worked hard in my STUDIES

I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3

Primary school was quite easy I passed PSLE.

Then I went to SECONDARY

The subjects include History, Geography,

Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY

After O levels I went to JC

I was quite LUCKY

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY

Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES

Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY.

After that we must continue our Studies

The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV

They come to this world only to "Chia Liao Bi"

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY

I had no money to go to University or Poly

So I went to work at a FACTORY

Trying to earn a little lousy SALARY

After CPF and INCOME TAX, I have just enough money to buy ROTI

and ride in MRT

Colleagues at work used to be FRIENDLY.

Always treat me to tea and COFFEE

Somehow they turned FISHY

Passing bad remarks about me

Telling everybody I am LAZY.

My bosses show me no SYMPATHY

Mumbling over my shoulder daily

"HURRY, HURRY and HURRY !"

Accusing me of always trying to get MC

But my sickness was due to over stretch OT

Going home after midnight by TAXI

and They pay me only bus fee

I park-tor and became STEADY

Finally had to MARRY

I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY

Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY

After marriage, nothing was EASY

In one year, I became DADDY

I can't support my family and our BABY

Being tied down for life to repay HDB

and rising monthly utilities to PUB

My bank account has NO MONEY

POSB balance is almost EMPTY

DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE

Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"

So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump into the sea to MATI

But that is not EASY

My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our BABY?"

So I can't MATI

I went to seek assistance from the MP

His reply was simple and easy:

"Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me"

He never tell me any convincing Policy

My dear friends, can you please help Ong Ah Bee

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Ted's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz

saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital.

The ER doctor says, "Wow! that's pretty bad. Don't worry, give me

the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Ted says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers!

This is a modern hospital, we've got highly trained micro

surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. We could have

put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the

fingers?"

Ted says,

"Well, shit, Doc, I tried but I couldn't pick 'em up."

:lol:

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Weird Letter

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing

this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in

the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right

above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it

is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him

out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill

his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea

after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom.

P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I

realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,

not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an

argument and neither of them wanted to concede their

position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,

and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many

words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we

have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you

can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made

me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up

first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking

around here and you should do it, because that is your

job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it

is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New

Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,

that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the

next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early

morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the

silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find

it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and

he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic

computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and

the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes

only ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor," Mike

replies.

So Jack deposited a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the

drugstore. He deposited ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asked

for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in

two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine sample from his wife and daughter, and

masturbated into the mixture for good measure. After that, Jack hurried

back to the drugstore, eager to check the result. He deposited ten dollars,

poured in his concoction, and waited for the results. The computer printed

the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

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SMART INDIAN

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride!!!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."

Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter...."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a

vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

That is how indians do business.

********************************************************************************

********************************************

The best joke award

This is a "best joke" award winner in UK

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw

Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our

Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain.

********************************************************************************

*****************************************

LESSON 1

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."

*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: " ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*

LESSON 2

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

*LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.*

LESSON 3

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA

When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you

... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

*LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.*

LESSON 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,

who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,

He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted"WINE".

The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."

*LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*

LESSON 5

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:

Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.

Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.

Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.

Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants to go.

Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.

Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.

To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and

Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief

Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly

Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable

Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred

Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body

Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE.*

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her,

"I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms. Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it

you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others,

the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

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Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)

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Diary of a Young Wife

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I

never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

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JUNIOR asks his dad: 'Daddy, how was I born?'

His dad sighs and replies: 'Ah, my son, I guess one day, you would have

to find out anyway.

'Well, you see, your mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

'Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a

cyber-cafe.

'We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download

from my hard drive.

'As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had

used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

'Six weeks later, your mum sent me an instant message saying that her

operating system was showing signs of unauthorised program activity from

a self-extracting file, which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

'Then nine months later, a little pop-up appeared and

said: 'You've Got Male!' '

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This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer:! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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THis is really funny

Canceling Credit Cards - Priceless!

>

> Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,

> and so so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

>

> A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and

> March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late

> fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now

> somewhere around $60.00.

>

> A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

>

> Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

>

> Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges

> still apply."

>

> Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

>

> Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

>

> Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

>

> Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to

> the credit bureau, maybe both!"

>

> Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this

> part!!!!)

>

> Citibank: "Excuse me?"

>

> Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about

> her being dead?"

>

> Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

>

> Supervisor gets on the phone:

>

> Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

>

> Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still

> apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

>

> Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

>

> Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

>

> Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

>

> Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

>

> Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

>

> After they get the fax:

>

> Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more

> I can do to help."

>

> Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just

> keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

>

> Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is

> wrong with these people?!?)

>

> Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

>

> Citibank: "That might help."

>

> Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number

> 69."

>

> Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

>

> Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

> (Priceless!!)

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A Joke to drive away the Monday Blues lah:

Ah Lian called big brother Ah Beng over the telephone.

Lian: "Ah Beng kor, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam

all the edges cannot fix together, lah."

Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"

Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com ."

Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to tor-long lu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Si ghee na, si bay gong, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

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Thanks God Its Friday... enjoy your weekends all

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her

cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist

fainted.

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